Forever be Dozy and Dim
by kincaidian
Summary: It isn't Kakashi's fault that Obito and Asuma can't keep it in their pants. It isn't his fault that he keeps breaking things he's holding when they get all couple-y near him, either. College AU, ObiKaka.


A/N: Written for the prompt 'eating disorders' on LJ's hc_bingo. Less angst than I expected. Enjoy!

* * *

He found out, indirectly, through Gai. It was Gai he was looking for, to get whatever challenge it was that day over and done with so that he could go to sleep before midnight for once, when Obito opened the door wearing a kimono that hit him mid-thigh and was too roomy about the shoulders.

For a minute they just stared at each other, Obito drowsily, he with a growing sense of confusion.

"Obito," he said, the same time Obito said, "What?" and then they each cut each other off, and Obito ran a hand through his messy hair and he stared some more, because where Obito's shoulder was exposed by the fabric sliding away, there was a bruise that could have been just a bruise and just as easily a hickey. So he stood there, and the hickey, too, remained, defying him to draw the obvious conclusion, the obvious conclusion being, _Obito Uchiha and Asuma Sarutobi are fucking. _

"Um," he said, then for no good reason, "your kimono's too big for you."

Obito flushed, and Kakashi thought _I knew it I knew it, _before Obito went on to say, "It's, uh, Asuma's. He lent it to me."

He ended up going back to their room –"I'm staying over tonight, Asuma said he'd look over my essays," Obito'd said, still flushing brilliantly and not meeting Kakashi's eye- only to find Gai standing outside looking sheepish.

"It seems I'm in need of lodging tonight, eternal rival," he said, as Kakashi opened the door.

Kakashi said, "Your bed's probably free. Not a voyeur, then, Gai?"

Gai fidgeted uncomfortably. "What? No. What?"

Kakashi rolled his eyes, and beckoned him in and pointed at Obito's cluttered part-time desk of a bed. "Knock yourself out."

Kakashi wished he could say something, because he was happy for them, really. He shifted his tutoring sessions and made sure Gai stayed out of their way, so Asuma could spend more time with Obito. They probably held hands under the desk at lectures and looked at each other a lot during study sessions and then put their books away and fucked. This was all good, because Asuma and Obito were good for each other, making Asuma let loose a little and Obito not take everything so hard.

Knowing Obito, they probably curled up in bed together sometimes, dark skin against porcelain, and breathed sweet nothings into each other's mouths.

_Fuck this shit, _Kakashi thought, and studied a little harder.

* * *

"You wanna, um," Obito hesitates. "We should go get dinner."

"Reading," Kakashi said, pointing at the book he'd laid upside down by mistake in his haste when he'd heard Obito's keyring rattle.

Obito looked uncomfortable. Guilt, Kakashi thought, at spending so much time with Asuma and not Kakashi, which was sweet and unnecessary and extremely _Obito. _"I thought we could- you and I, I mean-" Obito said.

"Asuma's probably hungry," he said, and turned back to his upside-down book before he could see Obito walk away.

Later, Asuma and Obito were laughing on the couch together, Obito brandishing his chopsticks and saying, "C'mon, just have a taste, you'll see what I mean."

Asuma laughed, and blushed, and reached out to hold Obito's wrist in place before ducking in to wrap his mouth delicately around the sushi Obito was offering. His eyes didn't break contact with Obito's as he pulled away, lighter than Kakashi's, softer around the edges.

They didn't sleep together every night, but Obito was always in Asuma and Gai's room, sifting through Asuma's DVD's, rearranging the framed pictures on the desk, his touch oddly tender. When Obito passed out in the bar, his mouth open and drooling on the table, Asuma gently nudged his shoulder, and when that didn't work, shrugged at the rest of them and hauled Obito off, one arm wrapped protectively around his shoulders.

Kurenai, who was the one Obito was in the drinking competition against, looked unimpressed, and said to Kakashi, "Isn't that your job?"

Kakashi was busy downing another shot. He pretended not to hear.

They were fucking, yes, but it went a little deeper, and Kakashi felt uncomfortable saying anything. He once came into his room to find a hoodie Hikaru insisted he lent him to find Asuma asleep with his head resting on Obito's chest, Obito watching him, the look in his eyes soft and fond. He'd looked up when Kakashi walked in, and Kakashi had made something up about looking for Gai and slipped back out, his pulse thudding in his ears.

"Did you find Gai?" Obito asked later. "What was it this time?"

"Um," Kakashi rubbed the back of his neck, mumbling his words. "It wasn't another challenge. He, uh. We just hung out."

"Oh," Obito said. Then he said, forcefully, "That's nice."

Kakashi grunted, and slipped away when Asuma showed up, muttering something about a study session with Anko.

* * *

Gai sat down next to him and began busily pouring milk for both of them, and then buttering his toast. Kakashi said his goodbyes to Shisui on the phone –his dogs were fine, Obito's cousin said, missing the leader of the pack but otherwise in perfect health- and said to Gai, "It's nice, isn't it?"

"It certainly is," Gai said, now reaching for the cup noodles and chopsticks. "What is?"

"That Asuma and Obito are together," Kakashi said. He watched Gai conjure up a series of peaches and pomegranates, his favorites. "Isn't it?" he hedges.

"No they're not," Gai said dismissively, piling up Kakashi's plate with fruit.

"Yeah, they are."

"They are?" Gai asked uncertainly. Then he recovered. "Such observational skill! You truly are my eternal rival." He sat back in his seat and began to eat.

"Well. Aren't you happy for them?" Kakashi persisted.

"Indeed I am," Gai said between munches. "Why, is it problematic?"

Kakashi shook his head hurriedly. "No, no. No. there's no problem. Why should there be- no."

"They cannot excel in training and academics if they are-" Gai began.

"True," Kakashi said. "But, you know, they're best friends, and-"

Gai frowned. "I thought you and Obito were best friends, rival."

"Best friends," Kakashi continued loudly, "and they seem good for each other. I, for one, saw it coming since first year."

"You are a true genius, I didn't see it coming till it came and even then you had to point it out." Gai said. "Eat your breakfast."

"Inevitable," Kakashi said mournfully, standing up. "I don't know what took them so long."

"Your breakfast, rival," Gai tugged on his shirt.

Kakashi looked down at his untouched plate. "You can have it," he said. "Keep your strength up."

* * *

Obito came to practice with Asuma and laughed with Kurenai and jumped on Hikaru's back and wrestled him to the ground and ignored Kakashi entirely while Kakashi muttered to Gai sulkily. Gai, for his part, looked amused and baffled and seemed confused when Obito's chilly silence extended towards him, as well.

Obito looked fresh and well-scrubbed, two spots of color on his cheeks. He looked happy, clinging to Asuma's arm and throwing his head back to expose the white, perfect column of his throat when he laughed. After practice, Kakashi knew, Obito would lie down on the grass, tank top soaked and stuck to the definition of his muscles, rolling his shoulders and panting, licking his lips, and then that would be more of a problem.

Obito nearly caught his eye when the whistle blew. Then his mouth tightened, and he ran with Asuma, his long legs barely leaving the ground long enough for it to be called running.

Kakashi refused to feel guilty about it. He didn't do anything wrong. He ate less, but it wasn't like when Rin left them, when he used to skip meal after meal until Obito came into his room and made him put away his books and took him out to dinner and told him about all the things Shisui and Itachi got up to until Kakashi began swallowing his food and listening to what he said. He skipped the occasional breakfast –three days in a row now, better eat tomorrow- because he was busy, and because whenever he felt even the phantom pangs of hunger Obito was there, crawling into Asuma's lap, quiet and content. Kakashi never had much of an appetite, anyway.

* * *

"Um," Asuma said, looking awkward. "Hi. Can I come in?"

Kakashi moved aside wordlessly.

Asuma folded himself into the couch, looking at Kakashi carefully. "So, uh," he said. "What did coach want to talk to you about?"

Kakashi shrugged. "Just the usual. Extra practice. And stuff."

The truth was, he'd gotten an earful from Tsunade about how he was slowing down. Obito beat him by .08 seconds, something that had been threatening to happen ever since they were in high school and began growing and growing and without showing any intention to stop. Obito won that particular race as well, growing a defiant three inches taller than Kakashi, and whereas Kakashi was forever destined to be bony and lanky, Obito had received the familial welcome-to-puberty gift from his genetics and had become impossibly broad around the shoulders, with an athlete's body.

Kakashi was a natural born runner, however. Which meant either that Tsunade was right, and he was slowing down, or that Obito was speeding up. _Maybe he practices running away when Asuma breaks out the kinky bondage role-play, _Kakashi thought, and then immediately felt bad. _Kakashi Hatake, you are a petty, petty man. _

Asuma looked alarmed when Kakashi poked himself on the cheek. "Are you okay?" he asked.

"Yeah," Kakashi said, rearranging his hand so it looked like he was cupping his face, while going on poking his cheek in penance. "Yeah."

"Okay," Asuma said, sounding doubtful. He leaned forward then, and made his eyes go very wide. "Listen. Um. Are you mad at Obito?"

"What? No. No, of course not." Kakashi said.

Asuma continued looking sad. "Okay." He shifted. "Because, you know, Obito was worried-"

Kakashi leaned over awkwardly and patted the back of his hand. "Asuma. I'm not mad, okay? I'm just," he said. "I'm not mad."

Asuma began smiling. "Okay," he said again.

"Okay," Kakashi echoed, exhausted all of a sudden. It took very little to wind him out these days. "So, I. Have to sort of, you know, study."

Asuma nodded. "When are you coming down? Obito said he wanted to have something other than spaghetti tonight." He looked hopeful.

"I already ate," Kakashi lied.

* * *

"So, like, me and Kurenai are together," Hikaru mumbled.

"Yes!" Obito pumped his fist in the air. "Fucking finally!"

"Awesome," Kakashi groused.

"Don't be such an unsupportive little bitch, Hatake," Kurenai said.

"I'm not being a bitch, I'm overjoyed," Kakashi corrected. "Just don't get your heterosexuality all over me when I'm working."

"I, too, am overjoyed at your news," Gai said.

"Big fucking surprise," Obito muttered. When Asuma turned towards him, looking a little hurt, he said, "I'm surprised you kept it in your pants till finals were over, Tamura."

"Yeah, well, Kakashi said-" Hikaru shrugged, then grinned. There was a smudge of lipgloss on his cheek.

Gai bumped his shoulder with Kakashi's. "Well done, eternal rival," he said.

There was a muted, civilized clatter as Obito stood and his chair met the carpeted floor. "I'm leaving." He said, loudly. "Best of fucking luck to all you fuckers," his gaze lingering on Kakashi, he added, "Losing weight, Hatake?" in a way that sounded like the dirtiest of insults.

The entire table stared at him. A few of the other patrons did, too, but mostly for the picture he made; face flushed, looking wild and fierce and beautiful.

Hikaru said, evenly, "You mentioned leaving."

"You're being a dick, Uchiha," Anko said.

Obito didn't stop glaring at Kakashi, one eyebrow cocked in challenge. If they'd been younger, they would have taken this outside, let their fists fly until they had each other's blood on their knuckles with Rin tutting at them, saying, _honestly, boys, _as she wrapped bandages around their hands_._

At the beginning, they'd been two, and then Rin came along and they were three for the longest time that they didn't know how to go back to being two again.

Kakashi stayed slumped in his seat. He was too tired and too cold to deal with Obito's shit. "Go fuck yourself, Uchiha," he muttered, and maybe it wasn't the best comeback ever, but it made Obito snap out of it and storm out.

"I think," Hikaru said, "we should get you drunk."

* * *

"So, um," Obito said. "You're probably mad at me." He settled down on the couch a careful distance away from Kakashi.

"I'm not," Kakashi said, turning a page.

"Right, no probably about it." Obito said. "It's just-"

"Do you mind." Kakashi said with no inflection. "I'm trying to read, here."

Obito begins rummaging in his bag. Kakashi should've known better than to think he would just let it go, but he's still a little surprised when Obito produced a Tupperware container and rattled it under his nose. "Coconut butter, pathetic amounts of sugar." Obito looked a little wistful. "Mom made them for you."

Kakashi took the container. "Tell her I said thanks."

Obito said, "Aren't you going to eat them?"

Fucking Obito and his dango obsession. "Take them," Kakashi thrust the container back at Obito. His head felt foggy. The only reason he hadn't walked out of this conversation yet is because he's pretty sure he _couldn't_, that his legs will give out and his bones will break and who's to say Shisui wouldn't get tired of his dogs and stop taking care of them if Kakashi died?

"Dude, no, they're not sweet enough for me." Obito said, pushing it back. "They're for you."

"Okay," Kakashi said.

"I thought I should, you know," Obito said. "Apologize."

"For what?" it felt like he was behind a transparent curtain. Obito's face was losing focus, which was a pity, because it was such a pretty face.

"For the other day." Obito paused. "I was being dickish. So, um. Sorry?"

"Oh. Okay," Kakashi said.

"Right, then." Obito seemed relieved. "Wait, really?"

"Yeah," Kakashi was too drowsy to elaborate. And tired. So very, very tired. "'M gonna sleep now."

"'Kay," Obito said, sounding a little surprised. "You want a blanket or something? You, uh, look cold."

Kakashi made a noise, and fell asleep.

* * *

They walked across the grounds after the afternoon lecture, Obito absent-mindedly kicking the sign that said DO NOT WALK ON THE GRASS as he walked on the grass. Kakashi waited until the grass was more legitimately walkable to state magnanimously, "I forgive you."

Obito paused mid-anecdote. "What?"

"I've decided I forgive you," Kakashi said a little louder.

Obito blinked, stepping over a crack on the pavement carefully. "For what?"

"Your dickish tendencies."

"Oh, right. Those." Obito ran a hand through his hair. "But you already forgave me, I thought. Why are you walking like that?"

"I wasn't feeling well, so it doesn't count." Kakashi said. "But now, I consciously forgive you for being such a dick."

Obito crossed his arms. "Well."

"Yeah," Kakashi said.

"You know, it wouldn't hurt for you to acknowledge you weren't as righteous as you're acting, Hatake."

"That's crap," Kakashi snapped.

"Oh, like you _didn't_ enjoy rubbing Gai in my face." Obito said bitterly. "You kept kicking me out-"

"Utterly shameless, practically living in his room-"

"Rivalry, dear lord, is that really what you kids are calling it these days-"

"You're a sanctimonious prick, you know that?" Kakashi said loudly, furious now.

"And your self-righteousness can burn a hole through the fucking atmosphere." Obito spat. "And-"

"I'm not listening to this shit," Kakashi said, throwing his arms up and attempting to walk away. "You just-"

"_Why are you walking like that?"_

"Like _what_?" Kakashi demanded irritably. His feet caught on something that wasn't there just as Obito's arms shot out to break his fall.

He blinked. Up close, Obito's eyelashes were just as long as they used to be when they were kids and Obito was the prettiest of all of them, even Rin.

Obito said his name, then several versions of it, panic making his voice hoarse.

"Shit," he muttered. "Shit, shit, shit. Kakashi, you shithead, when did you last eat?"

"And you're a loser, loser," Kakashi slurred. Obito's face was blurring in interesting ways.

Obito shook him a little. Kakashi realized that he was basically propping him up. "Tell me when you last ate, damn it, or so help me-"

"Relax," Kakashi rolled his eyes, but his eyes seemed to have a different agenda as they stuck to the soft, scared shape of Obito's mouth. "I had dinner last night, remember?"

Obito shook him again, and Kakashi could feel his bones rattle. "And before that?"

"Well." Kakashi said. "Then it doesn't look so good."

"Oh."

"Right," said Kakashi, and passed out.

* * *

On his fifth day of bed rest and being force-fed chicken soup by an irate Kurenai, there was a knock on his door. Anko glanced up from her magazine, looked at Kurenai, looked at Kakashi, and swore colorfully when a voice called, "Kakashi, open up! It's me!"

It was Obito.

Kakashi shook his head frantically at Anko, and she nodded.

"Fuck off, Uchiha. I've got a hairclip just waiting to gouge out your balls."

There was a sort of reverent silence as they contemplated this statement. Anko's got six older brothers, all military. Kakashi looked at the sheer quantity of hairclips holding Anko's mane back, and gulped. Kurenai took the opportunity to shove another spoonful of soup in his mouth.

"You've got the girls on your side, Hatake?" came Obito's whine. "No fair."

"It's lacquered, and nice and blunt." Anko added.

"Right." Obito said. Then: "Can I talk to Kakashi?"

"Jesus, Uchiha, just how thick-" Anko had barely opened the door when Obito shimmied in, grabbed the spoon in Kurenai's hand and held it against Kakashi's throat.

"This is a soupy hostage situation," Obito said. "A soupstage, if you will."

Anko cracked her knuckles.

"It's fine," Kakashi said hurriedly. The carpet was new. "Kurenai, Anko, if you could, um."

Kurenai looked directly at Obito, and Kakashi felt the spoon against his throat shake a little. "You say anything that makes this blockhead stop eating for weeks again," she didn't finish the threat.

Anko merely took off a hairpin.

"Are we clear?" Kurenai asked.

"Crystal," Obito said.

"Painfully," Kakashi said.

"Fine, then." Kurenai grabbed her bag. "Remember, Hatake: wheat and grains are your friends."

"That doesn't rhyme." Obito pointed out.

"Hairclip, Uchiha," Anko growled.

They left, closing the door gently behind them. Obito sniffed the soup and gagged.

"Kurenai can't cook." He said. "Why am I not surprised."

Kakashi said, "Where are you staying?" because he's a glutton for punishment.

"With Hikaru."

Kakashi blinked.

"Since Kurenai moved in here," Obito said a little wistfully. "He's a neat freak like you. No respect for my matchbox pyramid, though."

Kakashi swallowed some soup with unwarranted vigor. "You call home?"

"Yeah, Mom's properly pissed at you," Obito looked blissful. "Oh, and Shisui said Pakkun's operation went well. And Itachi got an A plus in Advanced Trigonometry, which makes him officially as smart as you, if not smarter."

"Right." Shisui was his, Itachi was Obito's. They were all part of the big Uchiha package that came with being best friends with Obito since he was three.

"Did I. Are you still pissed off?" Obito said. "Because I don't blame you if you are. I'm a fucking knucklehead for not seeing how bad it was."

"I'm not." Kakashi said. "Look, I'm just kind of busy here."

There was a silence, where Obito took a deep breath and visibly counted backwards from ten in his head.

"Busy doing what?" He finally asked, his voice sharp and dark. "Because it looks to me like you're just hanging around feeling sorry for yourself and eating-"

"I'm _busy_," Kakashi repeated emphatically.

Obito's eyes flashed. "Listen to me, you anorexic fuck-"

"Just go away, Obito," Kakashi said. "Just- go and fuck Asuma, or something. That'll get your panties untwisted."

Obito blinked, rapidly. Kakashi looked away.

"What?" Obito said.

Kakashi bit his lip. "Go back to your fucking boyfriend, Uchiha, and stop wasting my time."

"Asuma and I. we're not." Obito began.

Kakashi rolled his eyes. "Pull the other one. It's fine," he added. "I'm cool with it."

But Obito was shaking his head. "No, _you're_ the one who. With Gai."

"Gai's straight." Kakashi said.

Obito's eyebrows rose. "Really? With that jumpsuit? No, really?"

Kakashi shrugged. "Whatever, Obito. You can go now. Best friend duties fulfilled, and all."

"No, Kakashi, we're not- I'm not-" Obito reached out to touch his face, then withdrew when Kakashi flinched.

"Don't fucking lie to me, Uchiha."

"Kakashi."

"Look, run off to the fucking sunset with Asuma fucking Sarutobi. I don't give a shit. Just don't lie to-"

"No," Obito murmured, nudging Kakashi back until his head hit the pillows. "No, no." He climbed on to the bed and straddled Kakashi's hips expertly. He leaned forward, said "no" a couple more times against Kakashi's lips, and kissed him. He held Kakashi's face in his hands tightly, but his mouth was gentle and warm, his eyelashes fluttering closed when Kakashi exhaled and brought his hand up oh-so-slowly to touch his shoulder through his shirt.

"Not with Asuma, then," Kakashi pressed the words into Obito's lips, breathless.

"Not even a little bit." Obito said. "You were-" he pushed Kakashi's worn T-shirt up to the shoulders. Obito's hands were warm, tracing his ribcage, his fingers splayed into star shapes.

"Ow, my head, fucker," Kakashi whimpered when his attempt to roll on top of him made his head bang against the wall.

Obito licked his throat, long, luxurious, and Kakashi nearly knocked him off the bed when he arched into him. Obito's hand got stuck between the Kakashi's hip and the wall, and he yanked it free before Kakashi kissed him again, hard and fierce, tongue sliding into Obito's mouth and massaging his own.

"Do you have-" Obito panted, still on top of him, his buttons undone and jeans pushed to mid-thigh.

"Second drawer from the top," Kakashi said. He hooked a finger into the waistband of Obito's boxers and his entire body shook.

"I tried to-" Obito said, looking at him with dark dark dark eyes. "You kept-"

"I know." Kakashi said. "Obviously, it's your fault too, but." Obito ducked down to kiss the corner of his mouth, soft and sweet, and Kakashi smiled uncontrollably. Then Obito's hand wandered down, down, and curved around his ass, and Kakashi hissed, his hips snapping even as he ran his fingers through the back of Obito's head and yanked him down for another hard, sharp kiss.

"Are you _stalling_, Hatake?" Obito said.

Kakashi rolled his eyes, and let his hand slide into Obito's boxers, making Obito shiver, just because he could. "Bring it on, Uchiha." He said. Then he added, after a deliberate pause, "Chicken."

Obito laughed. "Love you too, fucker."


End file.
